Where is God?
Have you ever prayed your hardest and read every scripture you can think of? Have you sang all the worship songs you could sing and done every good deed you could do, yet still can’t feel that special feeling? The feeling where you are confident that the Holy Spirit is residing in your soul? You’re a Christian right? Then why is the feeling of abandonment and torment present? Who ordered this spiritual warfare?
This bewilderment is a very dark and lonely place to be. We understand that in order to reach Heaven we must do all of what is necessary. We watch other seemingly perfect and happy Christians raise their families, display their homes and cook up a super meal and want to be like that. We try to mimic them. Do what they do.
When we fail to keep up to the norm, the expectations of others, we become hard on ourselves. Sometimes we even beat ourselves up over it and feel down, even depressed. For instance, your children have nice clothes and a brush, yet come to church messy, dirty and frumpy. You told them to get dressed, brush up and get going. Do you face a battle or just let it go? If you know you have to fight it, you may cause anxiety and waste energy and if you don’t you sit and look at all the well dressed clean kids next to your frumpy ones and think, “I’ve failed.” Or “Why me.” It’s a catch 22 some days.
Perhaps it’s not you but your organ, the brain. Depression is a very real illness not to be taken lightly. It often is accompanied by anxiety. This minor example may seem trivial to some but to others the impact is really hard to let go. Especially if there are more factors causing stress than meets the eye.
It is true that if you believe in the Holy Spirit then you will have Christ in you but your humanity may cause you to feel like you have failed. Especially when others quote you scripture and hold their backs confidently straight and you just cannot reciprocate. If you are depressed, and doing what it takes and still feel like that. I tell you. It is not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up. They don’t know what you are going through. Sometimes that well meant scripture thrown at you stings because you know that. You prayed about it. You really just need someone to listen and say it’s going to be alright.
Sometimes, the wrong thing said to you in the state of anxiety/depression is all it takes to cause you to falter. Often, you’ve given all you can give and are on the edge. Something minor said about someone or something dear to you will whirl around in your head with all the other negatives and cause a breakdown. The breakdown can leave you feeling worthless. Especially if you reach out and try to explain your actions or reactions, which by this time may be out of control and did not get a good response. You’ve blown. They all know. You suffer from a mental imbalance.
Often people say the wrong things to you having no idea how to talk to someone drowning. I am writing this because I know how it feels to feel abandoned, unlike everyone else and alone even while among others. You go through the motions and don’t feel how you think you should. All your talents seem worthless. Satan is tormenting you because he can. He preys on weakness.
Like a diabetic needs insulin, your brain needs something. It’s missing something. A vitamin like D or B12 possibly, or hormones like melatonin or serotonin. Who knows, maybe you’ve started menopause and have an imbalance in estrogen, progesterone or testosterone even. You can’t see this without tests. Our bodies are broken, imperfect. God gave us the knowledge of science and it’s okay to access it. Sometimes God does not answer a prayer for whatever reason.
Some Christians will say that you lack faith and believing and it’s why you still suffer. A belief like that will surely derail your sanity. They just don’t understand. It’s not their fault they haven’t been given this struggle. You have been given a mysterious gift. When you get through it you will be equipped with the ability to “see” inside others and help them through what you’ve been given a revelation of. You are worth so much more than feeling like a failure.
Allow a naturalist to work with you and if that is not helping contact your doctor and receive council. God’s plan is not ours to understand. Follow your strongest instinct. It is likely His voice telling you your answer. If you think you need help, seek it.
God is there. Your faith is there. Your feelings are real and not your fault. Do not let other opinions that are not in tune with you, hurt you. People can unintentionally hurt you with their lack of understanding. It is the human condition, just keep going, keep reaching, keep loving. If you fail, keep going.
He promised us he would carry us through our storms.
Even in our weakness and our sinful nature. He knows you. He knows your heart, your struggles and your situation. If you believe in Jesus and follow his way, you belong in Heaven! He is a good God.
Patti lives in Ontario, Canada, with her husband and four children.